I haven't liked rides like that since I was little... I'm not sure how much I really like them then. They upset my stomach and make me feel out of control. Hmm... control issues? LOL... over-analyzing myself much. Oh, well.
My life is definitely on this coaster ride right now. God is sustaining me and most days are okay. I keep praying, singing, reading the word over Allen. Tuesday was a loop-de-loop day. The doctors called me in and wanted to not to the trach on Allen because they didn't think he was responding enough, don't think he will ever respond. They talked to me about making him comfortable, removing feed, fluid and intubation and waiting around a couple of days for him to die. I will honor Allen. His desire is not to live on tubes unable to respond or live and breathe and be happy. But I'm still not sure we're at that point. I cried and prayed and sought counsel. I was reminded of Allen's desires and I will honor him, but I do believe that God wants me to wait. Judy's son, Beau, said that yes, Allen doesn't want to live that way, but he's sure he would want me to come to a place where I can be at peace with it. I still believe our God is big and able to raise Allen up to wholeness. Will he? I hope so. I continue to hope and pray and believe. The concern was mentioned for whether I can be at peace if we come to that place. God is with me. God is for me, just as he is for Allen and Erin and Jamie and Christy and Betsy and Peter.... and you. So far along this 'ride' I have asked God to make decisions for me. I don't want to make the wrong choices. God has been faithful to do that. I still believe He will be faithful to do it.
That was Tuesday. I went to bed praying and reading God's word and Wednesday morning...
"weeping may endure for the night..." Did joy come in the morning? I had peace. God brought my cousin and his wife (Roy and Lillian). Lillian had a similar brain aneurysm and wrecked her car. While she was 'out' she said she knew she was with God... not dead or in heaven, but held like in a room filled with Him. It was peace and joy. She didn't want to leave that place. And when she started coming out she could hear and understand, but couldn't respond for a while. Hearing that brought me peace. A man from the Diehl's home church left me a note while I was out of the room. He'd prayed with Allen and left the note and some money. What a sweet blessing. Third, two sisters whose Mom was flown from McAllen with an aneurysm let me know that her mother was recovering and being moved to another room. She'd been 'out' for weeks and they'd been there 41 days. It hadn't looked good, but God is restoring her mom. She left a Billy Graham devotional with me that had been given to her. God is good.
So, today is Thursday. We're planning for Jamie to come be with us. We need each other here. Allen just had an EEG because they want to see if he's having any seizures. We're waiting...
but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint... Teach me, Lord. Teach me, Lord, how to wait.
Please keep praying and believing with us. Pray for God to give us the strength we need for each day.... each moment really. Keep Christy and her family in prayer. It's hard for her to wait at home.
I love all the messages I receive. They encourage my heart.